They say you dream every night, but you don't always remember your dreams when you wake up. That hasn't been my case recently. I've been having two recurring dreams that are extremely different from one another.
The first one is tranquil and beautiful, a lot like the Rachmaninov link posted above. I find myself in the country. I really don't know exactly where, but it is definitely a rural area. I am walking through a field of wheat. The air is fragrant with sweet smells, and the sun is shining brightly. I feel at complete peace, actually more so happy which in itself is something completely new and alien to me. The funny thing is in the conscious world I am happy also. I haven't felt this way in a very long time. My happiness is uneasy at times, it makes me feel like something is wrong. But I can't really complain much. This mood has been helping me write more frequently. I've been working tirelessly on my novella (A Love Supreme), and I have been writing a lot of exciting poetry. Poetry that surprises me every time I re-read them, because I've never tried writing on the topics I've been writing about and they are actually surprisingly really good poems. After a long walk in the wheat field, I end up sitting under a large apple tree. This is where my dream slightly frightens me, because of the parallels it has with a certain DMT trip. The wind picks up, and the cool breeze sounds like flutes playing in the distance. Then I wake up, thrust back into reality with a smile.
But let us not forget one important thing, when your highs are fantastically high your lows are lower than ever. My mood swings are back and getting worse. Obviously the awkward happiness I've been feeling needed to have its drawbacks.
The second recurring dream I've been having is a complete polar opposite of the first tranquil dream.
I am in a dark tunnel, a train tunnel to be specific because certain nights I can hear the whistle and horn of a train in the distance. The tunnel is dark and damp, there have been nights where I wake up shivering even though this spring has been the warmest spring I've ever experienced. The tunnel is loud, filled with screams coming from both sides of the walls. These screams are unintelligible, they are just loud. So loud that it feels as if the sound waves are piercing through my skin and rattling my bones. My pace gets faster and faster as the screams get louder and louder. Then all of a sudden they stop. The only noise I can hear is my racing heart and my breath. The cold silence becomes unbearable and I begin to scream. From a far distance I hear a familiar voice, one I haven't heard in close to 7 years. A friend, one who I lost to the deadly grips of cancer, begins to call my name. I start running again towards this voice. as I get deeper into the tunnel I see a light in the far distance, the closer I get the louder his voice gets. Then I wake up; cold, shaking, and dripping in sweat. These are the days where I go to bed hoping I don't wake up the next day. I wake up feeling the worst type of sadness. The type that sits in the bottom of your stomach throughout the day, the type that drowning yourself in booze doesn't even help anymore, the type that is so crippling that all you want to do is shrivel up and cease to exist, the type that hurts so so bad.
(Ironically rediscovered this song because of my dream)
I can try and explain both dreams, but don't understand why they coexist. Freud's essays on dreaming and melancholy provide some explanation to the meanings of these dreams, but I'm no expert on Freud or psychoanalysis. It all seems strikingly absurd to me, but maybe I'll figure it all out and you'll be the first to know when I do.
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